I had always had this back ache problem that keeps on recurring every now and again. Long hours of standing, sitting or even sleeping in a wrong position would trigger a back pain. Normally, the pain would subside after 2-3 days rest. However, recently it didn't go away. After about 3 weeks of enduring the continuous and ever increasing pain, I went to see a chiropractor. It was a first time for me. After examination which includes x-rays of my spine, the doctor said that there is an indication of a prolapsed disc.
The treatment was more of preventive rather than corrective. My back bone would never be the same again. I then went to get a second opinion from an Orthopedic Specialist friend at a government hospital. Same thing. I was prescribed with a strong dose of painkiller (slightly lower than morphine) and told to do exercises.
About 2 days ago, I started feeling numbness in my right leg. Not a good sign indeed. Today I have an appointment to see the specialist friend again.
What goes on in my head now is understandably fear....the fear of the inability to do the things I love...the fear of of losing the ones I love...the fear of being a cripple. Though not to sound over dramatic, the possibility is there.
As I look through the window of life of a potentially crippled person, I find that I get easily irritated by people around me that has tons and tons of complains about the mishaps that has happened in their lives. Hello...I have much bigger problems here that may affect the way I live in the future...and you are talking about your stress to me? Maybe its because I don't look sick, or because of my built, that people, including the ones I hold very dear to me, didn't even ask me how I am feeling inside. I needed someone to talk to...but there was just no one who would listen. They were too busy thinking about what pisses them off, about their past lives....mostly about how THEY feel.
I am feeling like a lost diver running out of air at 30m depth, without anyone in sight. I was looking for a buddy that would extend to me his or her alternate air source (the spare regulator that every diver carries), but there was none. Its a very uneasy feeling, much worst if you have to face it alone. But no matter what, I have to survive this, just long enough to make sure that my boys would grow up right...to be a better man than what their father was.
6 comments:
"What goes on in my head now is understandably fear....the fear of the inability to do the things I love...the fear of of losing the ones I love...the fear of being a cripple. Though not to sound over dramatic, the possibility is there.
As I look through the window of life of a potentially crippled person, I find that I get easily irritated by people around me that has tons and tons of complains about the mishaps that has happened in their lives. Hello...I have much bigger problems here that may affect the way I live in the future...and you are talking about your stress to me? Maybe its because I don't look sick, or because of my built, that people, including the ones I hold very dear to me, didn't even ask me how I am feeling inside. I needed someone to talk to...but there was just no one who would listen. They were too busy thinking about what pisses them off, about their past lives....mostly about how THEY feel." ------here's my opinion. if u are talking about u being feared of unable to do things dat u love most and endear so much in your life, and dont wanna lose d one dat u love most, well...cripple doesnt make u lose people u love. in fact, u will be surprised to see how many ppl actually loves u and worth keeping for. THis, as i have mentioned earlier to you, can be avoided and prevented from beginning by going to d doc earlier. then, it comes to a matter of choice. u choose to go later, and these are the outcome. if only u go early, it wouldnt be dat bad. i am happy dat FINALLy u go to the doc and get it fixed. however, pls keep to the doc's advice and be a hero to yourself first before becoming heroic to others. (m referring to your rescue job).
Secondly,u get irritated abt ppl complaining to u abt mishaps dat happens in their life. again, u can choose to just turn ur back and walk away or simply tell them to shut up. but u chose to listen. it's really unfair to u to say dat ur life's at the worst point rite now. think abt ppl who actually lost their love ones in fire, accident, or in other fatalities. imagine the agony and pain they have to go through for the rest of their lives. my dear chief, life is not all about nice things, it also comes wt challenges and this is just part of life. of course, u didnt choose to become like dis, but God gives u this as a test and also for u to take a rest and look back on the things dat u had when you were well. also, maybe for you to spend more time wit your love ones. dont give up on life coz there is more to come and so much to see and learn. u think u have a bigger problem than others, they also think the same. d only difference is situations we are in now. if you dont wanna listen, just tell them politely that u cant help them as you yourself is struggling.
i feel sorry if you feel like a diver out of air at 30m depth. how can i offer you my alternate air source if you didnt tell me that you're running out of air? i would share my alternate air source wt u if u told me. remember wat u told me in class? tap 3 times on shoulder - out of air sign - may i hv ur alternate air source? and i would definitely do OK sign and make put hands on back of my head. Grab arms and we ascend to surface. bear in mind dat ur not alone. u have a buddy here in case ur running out of air.
i hope ur appointment went well. keep me posted.
To Farah Diba: well-said! :)
To Divechiefkaz: well, you have so many friends who care for you.. you're a liar if you're saying otherwise. But friendships, just like relationships, require give and take and nurturing..You can't expect everybody to be running to your rescue when you're in need (although some still will, no doubt) when you forget and shunt them out in your moments of joy right?
No body said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it!
Tq everyone for your comments. Appreciate it.
Well Kaz...
Im sure u are a bit enlightened to know that there's a lot of people who care about you, me included!
As farah described the SOP of asking for air, that's the bottom line..JUST ASK!
So KAZ, nobody put a gun to ur head insisting u to be an agony aunt, but be comforted to know that people trust u to tell their fears and thoughts...its not easy to bear it all..i know!
In a nutshell, eat ur medicine, go to the physio and remain mr happy kaz that i come to know and respect.. :)
yes ina. i was in the 'down' mood at that time. insya'allah with some prayers and supporting words of wisdom from all my friends, i have since recovered and looking forward.
again, to all my friends, thank you.
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